rambles about ADHD, sickness, car repairs )

Halfway through the afternoon, I ate the last brownie from my inaugural batch of edibles, and have spent the rest of the day pleasantly high. :D

I've been thinking about how much I love my people, and how much I want to be part of a close-knit chosen family that takes care of each other.

It got me thinking about polyamory and radical queer culture and how sometimes we talk about the ways in which marriage is a patriarchal construct. 

Most of my friends aren't looking at imminent marriage. We're living together, working, dating more or less casually or seriously, maybe still on our parents' phone plans or maybe just making a go of it fully on our own. Marriage is a distant thing, if ever. Sometimes we talk about kids, but that's still pretty far off, too.

But these roommate relationships, these romantic friendships and queerplatonic partnerships and chosen siblinghoods, are so deeply fulfilling to me.

I want to hear more conversations about hijacking marriage, now that we're legally allowed to do it, for queer purposes.

i don't want to slide into the pinkwashed version of two kids and a white picket fence in the suburbs, but it seems to me silly to eschew the whole institution. why don't we marry our friends, our comrades, our platonic partners? why let the tax and social advantages go all to unqueer people?

it's all tied up with the larger issue: let's talk more about platonic partnerships and romantic friendships and unsexualized affection and chosen family.

hyperfocus

Dec. 18th, 2018 08:05 pm
 one of the things that adhd would explain is why my attention is all or nothing. either i can focus for hours and get absurd, overachieving amounts of work done. or i can't focus for shit. 

i fidget, squirm in my seat, fiddle with desk toys (i have a tiny carved elephant and a penguin stress ball), click pens, drum my fingers ...
... get up for coffee/water/cookies/to print things/to talk to the tellers...

i'm fully aware that all these things are not socially acceptable, when done to excess. i do my fucking best to keep a damper on them, to not make noise, to not get up and move around without a good reason more often then every 2 hours. 

but other times i can slip into deep focus

like today i turned my phone partially off and went on a spree of fixing months-old errors that my assistant manager asked me to help her with.

i only ever feel like i've accomplished something worthwhile when i've gone into hyperfocus, otherwise i don't register that i've done anything. 

but it's draining. 

i have 2 modes: IMMOBILE, and OVERDRIVE.

(to the casual onlooker it might look like i have a slow-and-steady pace. this is a lie. my version of slow-n-steady is just extremely rapid alternations of IMMOBILE and OVERDRIVE.)

anyway. i've been hyperfocusing all over the place this week, and i'm super drained. gonna go dumpster diving tonight, tho!
(definitely shouldn't, because i'm exhausted and short on sleep, but definitely will because i want to see people)

one more day of work, and then i get a day off. one more. i can do this. 



did some internet research over the last few days

holy fuck it resonates 

like there's words for that??? those ~things~ i do???? i'm not the only one?????

this is such a relief. 

even just preliminary internet research has given me more tools and strategies 

my roommate read one of the articles i gave him and said "yes, yes, yes. this is 100% a description of the person i live with."

i want to cry from relief. 

(i'm not just an unpredictably-shitty person. i'm not broken. i'm not the only person whose brain functions like this. there's words for why it does that.)

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