smol dragon, warm community (long post)

(a reflection in narrative)

i've been feeling off-kilter for awhile.

it scared me, because somehow there was a familiar flavor to it, one that I remembered from the long drawn-out end of things with my ex. i could see myself pulling away from my partners, clamming up. it felt like i was trying to force things, or fake them. 

It scared me: was this the beginning of another crashing end? why didn't i miss them the way i usually did? why didn't i long for them? why couldn't i think of anything to say?

thursday nights are my regular nights with the Cute Girl. (we always see each other more than that, but we know Thursday is always Thursday) yesterday, i was scared. Scared i wouldn't be enough. scared i wouldn't have anything to give. scared that i wouldn't want to be there.

she'd be coming home from a twelve-hour shift at her hospital, and how could i take care of her when i had nothing to give? i was so, so tired. deeply weary, and had been for days on end. "i think i'm going to feel very small tonight," i said to her thursday morning in a voice message, then added in a tiny voice, "i hope that's ok."
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It turns out....
I can be competent and strong... and I can also be cute and needy.
I can feed my people ...  and i can let them feed me 
i can share when i have extra spoons / energy / resources ... and i can rest on others when i can't support my own weight.

today, i felt great. in balance again.. there's room for more honesty in my relationships than i dreamed of. no faking required. 

i'm awed.