hyperfocus

 one of the things that adhd would explain is why my attention is all or nothing. either i can focus for hours and get absurd, overachieving amounts of work done. or i can't focus for shit. 

i fidget, squirm in my seat, fiddle with desk toys (i have a tiny carved elephant and a penguin stress ball), click pens, drum my fingers ...
... get up for coffee/water/cookies/to print things/to talk to the tellers...

i'm fully aware that all these things are not socially acceptable, when done to excess. i do my fucking best to keep a damper on them, to not make noise, to not get up and move around without a good reason more often then every 2 hours. 

but other times i can slip into deep focus

like today i turned my phone partially off and went on a spree of fixing months-old errors that my assistant manager asked me to help her with.

i only ever feel like i've accomplished something worthwhile when i've gone into hyperfocus, otherwise i don't register that i've done anything. 

but it's draining. 

i have 2 modes: IMMOBILE, and OVERDRIVE.

(to the casual onlooker it might look like i have a slow-and-steady pace. this is a lie. my version of slow-n-steady is just extremely rapid alternations of IMMOBILE and OVERDRIVE.)

anyway. i've been hyperfocusing all over the place this week, and i'm super drained. gonna go dumpster diving tonight, tho!
(definitely shouldn't, because i'm exhausted and short on sleep, but definitely will because i want to see people)

one more day of work, and then i get a day off. one more. i can do this.