pencildragon (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
buttonloops) wrote2019-01-18 10:10 pm
buttonloops) wrote2019-01-18 10:10 pm
Entry tags:
smol dragon, warm community (long post)
(a reflection in narrative)
i've been feeling off-kilter for awhile.
it scared me, because somehow there was a familiar flavor to it, one that I remembered from the long drawn-out end of things with my ex. i could see myself pulling away from my partners, clamming up. it felt like i was trying to force things, or fake them.
It scared me: was this the beginning of another crashing end? why didn't i miss them the way i usually did? why didn't i long for them? why couldn't i think of anything to say?
thursday nights are my regular nights with the Cute Girl. (we always see each other more than that, but we know Thursday is always Thursday) yesterday, i was scared. Scared i wouldn't be enough. scared i wouldn't have anything to give. scared that i wouldn't want to be there.
she'd be coming home from a twelve-hour shift at her hospital, and how could i take care of her when i had nothing to give? i was so, so tired. deeply weary, and had been for days on end. "i think i'm going to feel very small tonight," i said to her thursday morning in a voice message, then added in a tiny voice, "i hope that's ok."
"Ok," she said. "Just come be with me."
i dragged myself through my thursday-morning appointments, and was so exhausted that i curled up on my bed and slept all afternoon.
around 4, i woke. stumbled blearily into the living room. blinked at my roommate.
i've been teaching her how to cook, lately. sharing what i know of meal construction and nutrition science. (things like: protein and fat help you stay full longer. bodies need food regularly. things like that.) Usually, i play the role of the responsible grown-up. but this day, i whined at her that i felt awful, and she gently prodded me about whether i'd eaten, and when. She suggested I eat more, offered to make me food, helped me reheat leftovers, ate with me.
slowly, bit by bit, i gathered my clothes. packed my bag. dragged myself to the car and through the drive to the Cute Girl's place.
Violet_Swirls had dinner almost ready when i got there, and I almost wanted to cry. food is almost always difficult for me—planning, cooking, eating—and i'm very touched when someone else cooks for me.
The Cute Girl got home. i felt very smol, very needy, very tired. I don't think I've ever been that tiny and vulnerable and weak with her? often i'm confident and strong and in control. i swagger, and i like it, and so does she. But because i like it so much, i thought I would be not-enough if i couldn't keep it up. I thought i would be a burden, tiresome, exasperating.
It wasn't that way at all. When i curled up in her arms, her eyes shone. She called me sweet. Endearing. Adorable. I knew, all the way down to my toes, that she cherished me.
later, i sent Spacey_Queer some voice messages (feeling embarrassed of my Tiny Smol Voice) and hir first reaction was "You sound so fucking cute rn good gods." Which flabbergasted and delighted me.
It turns out.... I'm not just liked and valued by my community when i'm competent and strong, but also when i'm cute and adorab
It turns out....
I can be competent and strong... and I can also be cute and needy.
I can feed my people ... and i can let them feed me
i can share when i have extra spoons / energy / resources ... and i can rest on others when i can't support my own weight.
today, i felt great. in balance again.. there's room for more honesty in my relationships than i dreamed of. no faking required.
i'm awed.
i've been feeling off-kilter for awhile.
it scared me, because somehow there was a familiar flavor to it, one that I remembered from the long drawn-out end of things with my ex. i could see myself pulling away from my partners, clamming up. it felt like i was trying to force things, or fake them.
It scared me: was this the beginning of another crashing end? why didn't i miss them the way i usually did? why didn't i long for them? why couldn't i think of anything to say?
thursday nights are my regular nights with the Cute Girl. (we always see each other more than that, but we know Thursday is always Thursday) yesterday, i was scared. Scared i wouldn't be enough. scared i wouldn't have anything to give. scared that i wouldn't want to be there.
she'd be coming home from a twelve-hour shift at her hospital, and how could i take care of her when i had nothing to give? i was so, so tired. deeply weary, and had been for days on end. "i think i'm going to feel very small tonight," i said to her thursday morning in a voice message, then added in a tiny voice, "i hope that's ok."
"Ok," she said. "Just come be with me."
i dragged myself through my thursday-morning appointments, and was so exhausted that i curled up on my bed and slept all afternoon.
around 4, i woke. stumbled blearily into the living room. blinked at my roommate.
i've been teaching her how to cook, lately. sharing what i know of meal construction and nutrition science. (things like: protein and fat help you stay full longer. bodies need food regularly. things like that.) Usually, i play the role of the responsible grown-up. but this day, i whined at her that i felt awful, and she gently prodded me about whether i'd eaten, and when. She suggested I eat more, offered to make me food, helped me reheat leftovers, ate with me.
slowly, bit by bit, i gathered my clothes. packed my bag. dragged myself to the car and through the drive to the Cute Girl's place.
Violet_Swirls had dinner almost ready when i got there, and I almost wanted to cry. food is almost always difficult for me—planning, cooking, eating—and i'm very touched when someone else cooks for me.
The Cute Girl got home. i felt very smol, very needy, very tired. I don't think I've ever been that tiny and vulnerable and weak with her? often i'm confident and strong and in control. i swagger, and i like it, and so does she. But because i like it so much, i thought I would be not-enough if i couldn't keep it up. I thought i would be a burden, tiresome, exasperating.
It wasn't that way at all. When i curled up in her arms, her eyes shone. She called me sweet. Endearing. Adorable. I knew, all the way down to my toes, that she cherished me.
later, i sent Spacey_Queer some voice messages (feeling embarrassed of my Tiny Smol Voice) and hir first reaction was "You sound so fucking cute rn good gods." Which flabbergasted and delighted me.
It turns out.... I'm not just liked and valued by my community when i'm competent and strong, but also when i'm cute and adorab
It turns out....
I can be competent and strong... and I can also be cute and needy.
I can feed my people ... and i can let them feed me
i can share when i have extra spoons / energy / resources ... and i can rest on others when i can't support my own weight.
today, i felt great. in balance again.. there's room for more honesty in my relationships than i dreamed of. no faking required.
i'm awed.